Worthy Of My Days // August Song
I feel like a hypocrite most of the time.
Maybe you know this feeling, too.
I wrote this song and I’ve been struggling to share it with you all. The first line of the song says, “I’m laying down all other treasures, I’m laying down all other loves”. The struggle inside of me is this: how can I sing what I know I don’t mean with my whole heart? I long to mean these words, but I’ve seen the way I fail to live them out. Should I be ashamed by my failure? Should I stop singing songs like this?
Let’s back track a little to hit on the heart of this struggle that I think many of you might also be able to relate to.
I’ve been reading in Philippians. Paul writes in Philippians 3:8, “Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.” As I read this, far from encouraged or even convicted, I felt ashamed. Ashamed that my heart and passion for Jesus is nothing like Paul’s. The sneaking feeling creeps in that Jesus is also ashamed of me for not being “better” than I am.
I unpacked my struggle of feeling shame when I read the Bible across the table from a mentor recently. As I did, she spoke some words that God has used to open the doors to understanding what truth is. She said, “the truth is only the truth when it’s spoken in love.” Shame is a quick and fast indicator that God’s voice is not the one we’re hearing. Just like Satan took the Word of truth from the old testament and twisted it to try and cause Jesus to stumble (Matthew 4:1-11), he still is in the business of taking God’s words and trying to cause us to stumble and despair that we will never measure up.
I have often cowered in the corner with these truth-lies shaming me. The truth that I don’t love God with my whole heart. The truth that I throw myself repeatedly back into the arms of other lovers. The truth that I am not worthy of grace, and I do deserve hell. Oh, how I have often lived to the tune of the enemy’s song. His accusations are meant to drive us far from the love of God, but the Holy Spirit’s voice is kind and takes the shame out of the truth the enemy speaks. God, meets us with the same truths, but offers us grace unimaginable.
The Holy Spirit’s voice reminds us that Jesus came. God knew we could never measure up. He knew we would never be able to follow Him and keep His commands. He stirs this question, why would God have sent His son Jesus to die for the penalty of our sins, if there were any other way for us to attain the moral goodness and righteousness He required? There simply is no answer apart from this: He loves us. He loves us, deeply, friends.
When I read the words of God in the Bible, the only way I can receive them without shame is to remember the Gospel, the love of God. My failures are covered in Jesus and now I can, with Paul, cry out, “forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus (Philippians 3:13-14).
Shame will continue to attack me with graceless truth, but with the gift of faith, I am listening to the sweet song of grace now.
It’s in the grace of God, that I can sing this song. I’m not a hypocrite, but a daughter who longs to love Him. Join me in singing this song of surrender, resting in the grace that meets us in Jesus, as we will continue to fail to measure up. We are loved and because of that, we keep coming back and giving Him all of our days.